The "What If" Game

The "What If" Game is something everyone does, not just those of us with a chronic illness. It's a natural human response, we want to make sure that we have thought of every possible contingency to a situation. We want to be in control of the situation. Most people might tweak there original plan or just say to hell with it and just go into a situation head on.

I find, however, that I'm a text book over thinker. The "what ifs" just keep coming. They're typically related to my chronic illness or food allergies, especially when I'm going somewhere new or to a place I haven't been to in a long time. When you don't have control over much in your body and life, you take what you can get. 

For example, this weekend is a "girls" weekend; just me, my sister, and my mom. I'm wicked excited, we haven't had a weekend like this in almost two years. My sister lives with my grandmother and normally there isn't someone to give my sister a break so we can go out. But this weekend she has coverage and we actually get to have some much needed "girl" time! Huzzah! 

We were trying to figure out what to do for both Saturday and Sunday and my sister suggested we do something we normally wouldn't. I'm always hesitant when going to new places. I don't know where the bathrooms are (a must for me) and when its a ways from home other concerns come into play.  What if I "almost" make it to the bathroom? What if my sugar drops? What if I'm hit with a stabbing pain I don't see coming? What if I pass out? Etcetera, Etcetera. 

As my mom was watching me closely for my reaction, my sister finally decided that Saturday we'd go to the Boston Aquarium and then Quincey Market. I could feel myself slowly begin to panic as my brain went into overdrive. It's one thing when I'm going up to Boston for a doctor's appointment, thats completely different scenario. Its normally just my mom with me and she knows our doctor's visit routine. My sister doesn't, and if I end up having a serious flare up she'll be disappointed. 

"Will that be okay Kate, can you handle it" my mom said softly, most likely knowing what was going through my mind. 
"Sure," I squeaked, "we'll figure it out". I didn't want to disappoint my sister, she looked so freaking excited. 

With a small smile I picked up my iPad trying to look occupied as I began to play that horrible "what if" game. With each possible scenario getting me more and more worried. I finally took a deep breath and screamed "STOP!"(inside my head, I didn't want to freak out my family) 

'What is the worst possible outcome,' I asked myself.
'Get wicked sick and need to go to the hospital,' was the answer
'Well, think of it this way, at least BWH is like 10 minutes away. All of your specialists are there as well as your medical records. Your mom and sister will be right there with you. They know its not your fault, its just your body. Take a deep breath and relax...'

Deep breath taken and 'Okay, lets do this!'

If I get super sick, we'll just turn around and go home. I'll bring an extra change of clothes in case of super sweating from a hot flash or not making it quite in time to the bathroom. I'll have a small bag with goodies set aside to snack on throughout the day. All of my meds will be in my purse along with my medical info. Everything will be fine. Just treat it like a doctor's appointment and be as prepared as you can be. 

That stupid "what if" game. It can quickly take a fun trip and turn it into a tornado of pessimism  and self doubt. It's okay to make sure your prepared for possible hiccups, but you don't want it to ruin your time or even make you reconsider going and doing something fun. When you are around those who love you, they'll understand if you need to take break or need to turn around and head home. There's not much us spoonies can do about it if our bodies have other plans. And not going out when you have the chance will make you slowly go insane! 

I'm not going to let my worries ruin my weekend. I'm going to enjoy this little trip and take a hammer to any "what if" thoughts. Peace out pessimism! Sayonara self doubt! Say hello to my little friend, Thor's hammer! BAM! 

Holy crap a new post!

Hi...*Hides behind counter* I know its been over a month and no updates. I'm so sorry, things have been very stressful between health and other happenings. I had to put all my energy (which isn't much) into trying to help with some other situations. Lets just say its been a taxing time. 

So….my doctors (both my surgeon, gastroenterologist, and PCP) aren't entirely sure whats going on with my system. All three are confused and and have stated that my situation is incredibly unique and complicated. And since they aren't sure whats going on, we are starting back at the beginning...square one. I had to deal with some Hulkish anger when I heard that & I couldn't even SMASH anything. This past Monday they had me do a lower intestine barium drink test (it's the 6th time I've done it, and it doesn't get any easier). It made me super sick and I'm still feeling horrible from it.

Coming up, I have two doctor appointments next week and then another test in Boston in December as well as another two doctor appointments in Boston the day before Christmas Eve. Hopefully there won't be any surprise appointments, but you never know.   

One thing I have been able to do is meet more of the spoonie community on twitter and gain their support and understanding to my chronic illness. Not that I don't get incredible support from my family and friends, I do. But its nice to have someone truly understand what I feel on a daily basis. The anger and frustration that I feel when I wake up and instantly have to run to the bathroom to get sick or having to deal with a "foggy" brain. The jealousy as I see other people able to go out with friends, date, go to work; hell being drive more than 5 minutes away from home! The pain I feel on a daily basis and have to hide from the world behind the mask I have taken 14 years to perfect so that no one is the wiser. The guilt I feel each time plans need to be changed because my body has other plans. These are just some of the emotions and situations I feel and deal with. No one can truly understand it, unless they are actually going through it. The amazing people I have met on twitter are not only supportive, but most who follow me also know what I'm going through  because they also have been going through something similar themselves. We support and encourage each other, talk about what we are dealing with without feeling guilty or judged. Tweeting with these awesome people and being embraced by the spoonie community has given me some peace of mind. Even if I feel alone, I'm not. There are others in the world who understand my frustration, my anger and sadness, even my struggle to find my footing in this universe. 

As I get ready for the next steps in trying to find out what is going on with my body, I know that I have an amazing support system. For my family, friends and my fellow spoonies thank you for your support and not giving up on me! 

I hope to have another post up tomorrow, fingers crossed I can do it! 

For those who aren't sure what a Spoonie is, here is a link to a great article by Christine Miserandino that I highly recommend reading to further understand The Spoon Theory http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/